Don’t move too far in the wrong direction..

Since no one is actually reading anything I put on this page, I might as well use it in the old fashion way that I did with my daily reload page back in 1999. Long before the word blog was even invented. Back in the day when I coded my entire website from scratch in HTML and on one of the pages I had an online journal I was updating, almost daily with whatever thoughts I had at the time. Simply to get them out of my system. Simply to make them visible, giving myself a chance to view them differently – from an outside perspective.

Currently, I’m in a position where I’m questioning most of my life choices in an environment that’s not really doing a lot of beneficial things for my overall health. Being stuck in a close to impossible situation to handle for nearly two years, or actually longer than that but the pivot and time after was the worst, I can see how I had to remove myself from it entirely to find new angles and perspectives to move forward. Most of the people around me, the ones who were supposed to be friends and family, the support system, couldn’t see it at all. On the other hand, they weren’t willing to participate or even support at the worst times either. Not much one can do about that, other than accept the facts.

Either way, having spent a bit over two months in a foreign country. Trying to adapt to the heat, the people, the culture that is so far from what I know, I still feel like a round peg in a square hole. Everything in my body is protesting, as if to tell me I’m in the wrong place. I’ve no idea how much weight I have lost since I arrived here, but there are clear signs on my face, as well as my body and how bad my clothes fit me these days that I have. It’s not even surprising to me.

I can barely eat. Even the thought of it makes me nauseous most of the time. Sure, I manage to force myself to stuff something small in my face ever so often, but it’s barely even a guarantee that I get to keep it in for any reasonable amount of time. I’m even questioning why I bother to even buy food anymore, because of it. That’s just a waste of money for no reason whatsoever. Even the package of spaghetti I bought when I arrived here in mid-May, is still sitting in the cupboard, untouched.

So, how much longer will I keep up with this? I’m still not ready to give up on the dream that broke the life I had. The one I sacrificed everything for. I’m just not sure this place is the one that will actually get me there. I may have to re-group and change tactics. If not for any other reason, so at least for the sake of my health.

How big do you dare to dream?

What if you knew you couldn’t fail. How big of a dream would you pursue?

I find that question most intriguing. The same way I find it sad, that so many people on this planet don’t even give their most desired dreams a chance to become reality.

Why don’t they?

Most would say it’s a fear of failure. Or they simply don’t believe there’s a chance of success.

I don’t even understand why people need to have that success pre-confirmed to even consider going after that dream. It’s a lazy a$$ attitude to begin with. A self-entitlement where you expect everything you want in life served to you on a silver platter without you so much as lift a finger to earn it. I think another word for that might be socialism, but that’s not the mainframe of this post so nevermind.

I’m certainly going after mine.

Calculated chance of success: 0.0001% or somewhere along those lines.

Sacrifices made to achieve that dream; 100% on all levels; material, financial, emotional – all of it.

So why do I do this then? Knowing my likelyhood of success is close to none. Sacrificing everything I have and hold dear in this life, for what seems to be leading up to nothing. I do it because I can. Because I have faith in what I’m dreaming of and a strong conviction that as long as I don’t give up, I will eventually get there. If I didn’t take the leap, if I didn’t chase that dream with all that I have, I would spend the rest of my life stuck with this one question;

What if…?

Improbable doesn’t mean impossible – unlikely is still possible.

I carry his words like diamonds in my heart. He’s telling me things like ”The trick is to fail fast, learn faster, and keep the ratio of good to bad moving in the right direction.” and I understand the full meaning of it, on intuitive levels that most people aren’t even aware of. I saw this unravel itself internally just over a year ago, the universe has a way of showing me glimpses of the future way before it’s about to happen, and all I can do is trust the process for this to turn out to be real.

The most of pain going on in this right now is how I can’t really talk to anyone about it because they’re all telling me none of it is real. Same way as others have told me before that my plans moving forward wasn’t real simply because they couldn’t see it happen.

But the thing is. A lot more is real than most people seem to want to understand or even imagine. Just because something is highly unlikely, it’s not the same as it being impossible. We all know of this man constantly driving impossible into late and just seeing that is what keeps me convinced at this point.

I am convinced that this will show up to be real in this world. Because I know how to tune into the universe and I know when to listen and believe more than brushing things off as nonsense, because that’s what everyone is saying it is.

Just because something is improbable it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Also, if the odds of things working out in your favor being less than 1% but you truly believe in and have the desire to see it happen you need to go for it. No matter what everyone else is telling you. So, that’s what I’m doing right now.

Swedish banks are worse than prison

I’m so tired of the world I’m living in right now. I’m so sick and tired of how we, adult human beings, are locked into a system where everything we do are controlled by government or banks, credit institutes and whatever similar that are controlled by government. I’m so tired of how we’ve been programmed to believe what we’re doing – sticking to the system of paying tax, spend money according to how we’re told to spend our money, and never question anything even within our own lives – is the only way to live our lives on this planet. How we’ve been scammed to believe this is the real world and this is what it’s supposed to look like.

Right now, I’m so sick of not being allowed to send my own earned, taxed money from my account in ICA-banken to another bank (where I hold a personal account) without being questioned, without SUDDENLY having to send documents that confirms that this, ONCE AGAIN, is my fuckin’ lousy ass salary that landed on my account today on the 25th – THE ONE DAY A MONTH WHERE 85% of ALL salaries in my country are paid out – to prove where I got the money from.

On the other end, NO I’m not gonna provide invoices and other proof towards whatever the hell I’m going to spend my own fucking EARNED money on, that I got from working in a prison. THIS is actually WORSE than what the inmates experience sitting in that prison where I work. THIS level of surveillance is considered illegal because that’s intrusive on their integrity as individuals.

So WHY THE HELL am I expected to ACCEPT this fucking behaviour from a bank?

ohjälteficka (non-hero pocket)

ett meddelande från WP löd;

The Hero Is In Your Pocket

Jag tittade efter.

Mina byxor hade inga fickor. Alltså blev jag utan hjälte. Jag som verkligen hade behövt en hjälte. En riddare som dödade drakarna som omger mig.

I checked.

Turns out my pants have no pockets. I was without a hero. I, who truly needed a hero this day. A knight in shining armour, to slay the dragons surrounding me.

Who do you think you are? (aka Jante)

Did you know that most Swedes are cursed?

They (we) all abide by the law of Jante to some extent. The Danish-Norwegian writer Aksel Sandemose wrote about this in the novel ”A Fugitive Crosses His Tracks” already in 1936 and as ridiculous as it may seem, it’s still the mantra for a large scale of the population, at least in Sweden, as of today.

It becomes ever so clear at any occasion where one individual is trying to stretch beyond average and make something more of him- or herself. Imagine that you hold a vision of something you want to do or accomplish and enthusiastically tell someone your vision. Within a few minutes (rarely as many as ten, most often less than five) you will have been told at least 10 reasons why you shouldn’t, couldn’t or it’s a bad idea, without you even asking for someone else’s opinion.

One could argue that these people are your closest family and are simply concerned about you and don’t want to see you hurt from failure that you’re most likely to encounter should you go along with your idea. Well, that’s not really what’s happening here. More often the people bringing your idea and vision down to ashes aren’t your closest family, but rather people you barely know. Sure, they could be your family as well, but the motives aren’t ever those of genuine concern for your well-being.

More often it’s one of those laws of Jante taking physical form through another individual to make sure you don’t have too much self-confidence or actually even start to believe that you can be something more than you already are, as it would mean you’d also have to be something more than everybody else in the room.

In shortness, the law states as follows (according to Aksel):

1 – You’re not to think you are anything special.
2 – You’re not to think you are as good as we are.
3 – You’re not to think you are smarter than we are.
4 – You’re not to imagine yourself better than we are.
5 – You’re not to think you know more than we do.
6 – You’re not to think you are more important than we are.
7 – You’re not to think you are good at anything.
8 – You’re not to laugh at us.
9 – You’re not to think anyone cares about you.
10 – You’re not to think you can teach us anything.
11 – Perhaps you don’t think we know a few things about you?

The short description of these articles states as follows: ”The Law of Jante is the description of a pattern of group behavior towards individuals within Nordic countries that negatively portrays and criticizes individual success and achievement as unworthy and inappropriate.” To be honest that’s actually what goes on in most of our society and what every individual that tries to make something of and for him- or herself has to struggle through to become successful at anything what-so-ever.

Of course, there are parents that are working towards encouraging their children to aim high and go for greater goals and so on, but even that’s not always true. But even then you can see a child mentally raising his or her bar really, really high – only to find the parent bringing it back down to a more ”suitable” level, not to break any of these laws in ways that people around them would notice.

I’m not sure how much sense this makes to anyone else out there in the world. Maybe the best way to talk about it is as ”the Scandinavian curse”, since we’re even taught to talk ourselves down in this matter, already while growing up.

 

My spiritual I

I’m a spiritual being. One that came crashing into this world a bit more than 40 years ago.

But the world wasn’t really ready for me. Or at least not the people surrounding me. My family did the best they could out of their ability, yet I always felt like a changeling.

The kids in school recognized early that I wasn’t like them and made sure I was aware of it too; in the worst possible ways their little minds could come up with. I ended up spending most of my youth alone, on my own, in a world I didn’t really seem to grasp or make sense of. All that was so obvious to everyone else, didn’t make much sense to me.

For example, I didn’t get at all why I was supposed to be upset because that person talked to this person instead of the other person and so on. It didn’t make sense to me why it would even matter if the marmalade ended up underneath or on top of the cheese, as it was still present on the sandwich. I never really understood the greatness of standing in a crowd, becoming an invisible part of the masses, watching someone perform on a stage. A lot of the world didn’t make sense.

So, I’ve spent most of my years trying to learn how to do things. Learn what seems good to know and understand, try to get along and establish some sort of connection with others to fit in. However, that last bit has proven the most difficult, as I’ve had to conceal so much of me, going for the shallow topics of things that still make close to no sense to me not to freak people out.

Whenever I try to get someone to explore something on a deeper level with me, most often the reaction is that I’m the monster in the lake trying to pull them down to kill them.

Which isn’t at all what I’m doing. I’m simply out there searching for other Enlighted beings to whom the world makes sense from my horizon rather than the one most people seem to cling to as if it was the only thing real.

Yet, after 40 years I might be close to discover some of them but at the same time that’s more or less the amount of time I’ve spent downsizing myself and my spiritual being to a tiny spark that barely glows anymore in an attempt to fit in. Which also means that those discovering their burning flames can’t yet detect mine and treats me like one of those common with little if any connection to their spiritual beings.

Can you imagine the frustration bubbling because of that?

Your true self.